Cranky

For the last few days I've been feeling really cranky, gloomy, unsettled. It happens every year right before the holidays begin. I see everyone around me making plans and talking about family gatherings, the radio is is playing Christmas music already. It's supposed to be the "most wonderful time of the year." I kind of feel like I'm outside peering in through a window, watching everyone else "sing" and "make merry", but I'm locked out. I want to share in the excitement, and I even go through the motions, but it always feels like something is missing.

My folks (my dad and step-mom) live in Florida for part of the year, they leave at the end of October, so they aren't around for Thanksgiving or Christmas. My mom died almost 20 years ago. My brother lives in California. Except for my elderly mother-in-law who is in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's, we don't live near any other family.

When I was little, my mom, dad, brother and I would make the hour drive to my grandparents house every Christmas Eve. All the aunts, uncles, and cousins would be there. It was a lot of fun, and I have many memories of driving back to our house at night, listening to Christmas carols on the radio, feeling so happy and warm and excited and content. No matter what other problems our family had, Christmas Eve always seemed perfect. On Christmas day, there was always church, and then the day was spent playing with new toys. The day after Christmas, relatives from my dad's side of the family would come to our house for the afternoon, and we got to see cousins from that side of the family.

Things are so different now. My mom is dead, my grandparents are all dead, and my cousins are all scattered all over the country. I haven't spoken to most of them in years. We were never really close anyway. But it sure was nice to pretend we were once a year.

This year, as is usually the case, my husband has to work at the hospital on Thanksgiving. Last year I spent the entire morning and afternoon in the kitchen(when I wasn't dealing with the kids, who were 3 and 5 at the time). I prepared a huge feast for us, that I served when hubby got home. The kids each took about 4 bites of food, declared they didn't like it, and were done. I was so tired and worn out by then, and dreading the clean-up, that I didn't have much of an appetite either. This year, I think we're just going to go out for dinner. I know it will be a lot easier this way, and I'll make the best of it. Still, it just doesn't feel "right".